sounds great huh ?

I don't even know where to begin.. it never used to be this bad. Before I started to really become affected by this, there was a quick series of stressful events that happened. One of my friends suggested I have some kind of shock where I can't realize the true weight of my situation until later on. Some things I still haven't been able to truly grasp and believe.



I'm usually at my worst when I'm around people. Sometimes I wonder how I've been in a relationship for 5 months already when most of that time I've just given him hell [sometimes deserved, most of the time unecessary.]

He knows about my issues, especially knows that I can't be around people too long or I'll begin to change.

I remember one time he wanted me to come with him to his friend's house. I said no and told him that I had a feeling I wouldn't react too well but he insisted. I have a feeling he does that to try to somehow make me "immune" to certain triggers. It's sweet, but I usually end up feeling ****** for ruining HIS day at his friend's house because of my mood.



Anyway. I was right; my mind began to race, filled with negative thoughts about everything. A depression just crept up on me randomly. I wanted to hide it, I didn't want to be a dramaqueen for no reason. So, I concentrated on my phone, texting whoever I could. Tried to clear my mind, didn't make eye contact with anybody. Unfortunately, we ended up having to all be in the same room talking.. that's when they started to realize I had changed. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't plan to talk to anybody. If anyone said anything to me, my answer was short. When that was finally over, my boyfriend asked me what was wrong, and I told him I'd been getting into a depressive state and had to leave ASAP. Then I began to cry, overwhelmed. I'm so stupid, why can't I just be normal?! I can get along with anyone but only for a certain amount of time? What the hell kind of problem is that? I hate this. I hate my mind. I truly hate myself. No day can be a good day.



After washing away the ridiculous tears I'd accumulated, I went back to everyone and acted "normal." I was just dying to leave, though.



Just reminiscing about that day, or many other days alike to it completely depresses me.

It reminds me that my biggest enemy is myself. My personality, my mind. It's a constant BATTLE. And I can't run away from my mind, I can't run away from MYSELF. This is ME. This is WHO I AM.

My mind is always racing, always doing what I want it not to do. Always assuming, thinking negatively, stressing me out to such an insane degree.



My worries begin to disappear until something else completely sets me off.



I really just want to shut my mind off. If I could do so for just a few minutes, that would be great. Often I go to sleep when I just don't want to think, but lately I've found that my stress has even crept its way into my dreams. I dream of my boyfriend cheating on me, people I know dying, random deaths that are usually very graphic.. It's like I can't have peace.



My worst enemy is myself, but I can't leave myself and still live. I've contemplated leaving a few times before, and the thought seems just too peaceful.

The problem is, I care about people here (though sometimes I don't because my feelings fluctuate about various relationships as well.. meaning I can be stone cold to a person that I know I truly love underneath my various masks.)



I can't leave for that. I've gotten close before, though. It's just being driven to insanity more and more each day. More and more anger building up, less patience..



My problem is myself.

I can't run away from myself..